On day two of the killer headache, unrelentless pain, the feelings of self loathing begin to pop into my head.
I know it’s time to get outside, get of my own way, and find a way to refocus. Feet stuck in the mud is no fun.
So I take a walk up our farm road, every step a struggle for me but I keep going. The fresh morning air is cold in my lungs, but it is alive with hope.
A stop at the barn gets me a kiss on the nose from my horse, Buddy the cat rubbing against my leg,, we stand together and watch the chickens peck…this calms me down.
On my way back to the house I pause at my flower bed, it’s obvious looking at it that I’m not in the best shape to keep up with it anymore.
It is neglected and needs help, standing there looking out over the mess I feel overwhelmed with guilt.
My garden is one of my most favorite things, there are lilacs, coneflowers, blue flax, chyrsanthemums, every year I relsih the early morning walks to it to enjoy the butterflies and birds that visit. It is a joy for me and feeds the gardener in me, but physically now it is more than I can handle.
The weeds are thriving, they’re everywhere between all my carefully planted things that have proliferated for years messing up the beauty that could be there. The weeds and thorns proliferate and threaten to choke out what is beautiful.
It rained last night so I know the ground is soft which prompts me to bend over and begin to pull a few of these weeds that seem to grow so well.
There’s a bit of crabgrass there and that’s very difficult to get out of the ground even when it’s soft.
I struggle with it and push my fingers down in the dirt to find the roots and eventually it comes, but not without a struggle.
Then there’s other ones that are just a nuisance, they grow on the surface of the ground and easily come out my fingers. And others that seem like they multiply overnight…to many to count.
Maglie Calcio poco prezzo
As I pull the invaders I begin to pray, I ask God to take away the feelings that I’ve been having and replace them with good thoughts. It is too much for my mind and my heart hurts along with this body that some days is a prison to me.
He gave me this message…
I realize my own heart is not that different from my flowerbeds nor is my mind.
The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Isaiah 58:11
Without tending, without careful watchful attention, weeds crop up.
They have names like fear, worry, stubbornness, jealousy, anger, hatred, vanity, the list goes on and on.
These are the weeds that sometimes I allow to grow in my heart and my mind. Now I’m not a bad person because of this, I am human as we all are. We struggle daily with things that happen to us, to the ones we love, we have hurts and pain and deal with the feelings that occur. We carry it with us at times like a rocks in our pockets. We willingly collect them and they weigh us down, we hold them and before we know it we are slow, heavy and in emotional pain.
I envision my prayers as rain, they are nourishing to me as I share my shortcomings and feelings with my heavenly Father above and he tells me all is forgiven. He reminds me that if I give it to him, he will turn it into something beautiful. He is teaching me through my mistakes how to be more like Him.
He prompts me to do some weeding in my own heart. He the careful gardener who planted things like love, joy, humility, peace, grace and forgiveness there, sees the weeds and knows that I have to be the one to pull them and throw them in the trash.
He wants to visit my garden daily, allow showers through prayer and let him show me how to pull those weeds that invade my thoughts and my life weighing me down.
Chronic illness keeps you in a holding pattern. There is much fear as you cannot control what is happening to you. Like me, you may try by doing the right things, living and eating clean and still progress eludes you, doctors fail you, friendships suffer. Discouragement is a common and frequent visitor.
The voices that chime in cast shadows of doubt and fear grips me. I begin to feel hopeless and like I’m fighting a losing battle.
The tears of frustration are still hot on my cheeks when I feel it, the nudge, the call, the voice, “help is here, reach out for my hand he says,” bring it to me, give it up, let me take it from you…….
He is never far from me, he never fails me, he never gives up no matter how many times I let the weeds grow.
I wish sometimes for this to be over, for painless days and freedom from this disease, to go back to the way I used to feel. I grow tired of counting the casualties and recanting the details of how it began, reminding those that ask the “when” questions that I can’t predict the future.
I have learned to give the heavy things to God, all he wants me to do is “let my little light shine” and let him work on the toughies in peace.
We don’t choose our path, I am reminded that he will have the last say and his will is the one that is to be done, I accpet the circumstances knowing that His Grace is sufficient, for today, for tomorrow, forever.