Said goodbye to my friend, Mac my dog of 2 years. I rescued the little bugger and he was my faithful companion until the Friday before last. Diabetes set in silently and a choice had to be made. No vet I spoke to gave a good prognosis, only a financially draining and emotionally exhausting one. My husband is my best friend, when he gently said “it’s time” I nodded through hot tears and prayed for strength.
Holding onto my faith for dear life lest it slip away in my sadness, I held him as he went rigid then soft and his eyes had no more shine. Crushing, I cannot even begin to tell you when things get taken away in the fire of life and you understand loss. When a little sunbeam like my Mac came in and suprised me with love, losing him hurt more than anything to date, he gave me a reason to participate in life. I am prone to depression, Lyme left my brain with defects and the birds of sadness like my tangles. I could not make the tears stop, even though the entire time I know wallowing in the mud is not where Father wants me.
We resumed devotions, we two, back to me and Gunnar. I read my Bible aloud, I like the way it illuminates the room, it never fails he comes to me. They used to vey for the sacred spot at my feet. The battle is over now.
My wonderful soul sister in Christ is Tammy Trayer, also a penner and homesteader. You can find her at http://trayerwilderness.com for all of the links to her amazingness. She sent me this book after our last visit and said I would love it. I was so busy studying the issues in Asia and the need for help in missions so I tucked it onto my shelf for when the book I was reading was done. Well, I never didfinish the missions book. Those awful birds, they don’t stay away. Mac eas gone and the vaccum began. Saturday,I awoke hopeful and I cried, Sunday I was inconsolable but pulling my bootstraps up. Monday my hubby returned to work and the absence set in. Gunnar is a sleeper, there was this hollow vacancy at my feet. Dippy, Dippy, Dippy, I’d say. That was how I called him, in a silly voice, he was silly, he was never far away. My feather boy. He loved feathers, often carried them like treasures. How I missed him.
Sometimes you need a day and a book so I allowed myself to be drug by my son to my friend Jen’s scrapyard for truck pieces I pleaded to wait in the truck not feeling the best, so I read. Ever had a bad day? Get this book. Seeing other perspectives, sorted biblically, with human emotion but advice that is easy to use and relevant. Not a bunch of rules, libery to be a human being. Thank you Anita, my new friend. Get more of her here on her Facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/anita.a.brooks
I took the advice and began to play again, I have been on this mission for truth and after so much letting go of baggage that had attached itself to my soul, I find myself identifying with 10 year old me a lot. All glam gone, my needs are basic, I wear hand me downs, no makeup, my hair is wild as ever, I love the outdoors, plants, animals and I dig my Daddy. My biological father died in 2002, he was a disciple, a carpenter, a farmer and a guitar man. I got so off track when he was gone from my life, there really was no discipline and I did not respect my mother, I was a brat at times, I can say that now. I became the highest voice for me, the only one I was really accountable to was my boss. My ego was pretty jacked up at one point. I told my mom if she wanted me in her life she had to accept me and she did. However she never accepted my sin, she continued to point things out despite my agnostic views. She knew how to separate the sin from the sinner and keep on loving.
Walking our yeard by the creek where my dog is buried I stopped and found this. It is a fungus that is dried and fell off of the side of the tree. It is imperfect but beautiful, isn’t life? My husband knows my heart and he protects me with the truth, that is how it should be. We don’t mince words anymore of do dances around topics, my disease took every little wall down. When there is nothing left of our veneers the truth is waiting, I can tell you it is enough.
We both have learned the art of forgiving, the art of saving your words, holding the tongue and letting anger slip away. When I wallow on my pity pool he tells me. I learned that I had a huge discipline problem. I didn’t listen to my dad, I loved him fiercly but obey him? No, not the rebel kid. I loved fun and laughter, I chased rainbows and sunbeams in fairytale land as a child, at the onset of teenage years and when the world rushed in and colored the water my beautiful curiosity turned to doubt. My father set an aswesome example of a human being but why could I not believe it when he told me I deserved better that the destructive habits I put myself in? He said I was more than my poor choices, if I let God into my heart I’d see that. He did such a good job being a good person, I let him, my broken heart screamed “beyond repair” far too often. What I now know as the liar’s voice, I let satan in on so many occasions. Mostly my choices to go past a boundary or go deeper into something I knew was wrong. Alcoholics are good at that, the remorse and guilt is crushing, they can become self hatred as in my case, it almost destroyed me sober.
My husband took over for my dad, he spent 11 years with me, long enough to asess my habits and challenge me on the ones that made him wonder. After many, many conversations over gardens, pigpens, and dinners cooked together we found this common ground of respect. Respect for each others story, respect for each other’s pain. we have allowed ourselves introspective conversations that were very painful but necessary. We made a choice to work though it all, no matter if it blew the other ones mind. We had what what were you thinking moments but when we get done our talks these days, there is deeper love and respect for the spirit inside that doesn’t give up. We love each others naked souls.
I believe love is a room we go in, of our own will. If you dare to enter, lock the door. I found that God’s plan is that we don’t walk out. When I put my sin to death on the cross with Jesus, yes that is what we must do, we are asked to leave it there. If someone pays for something is it right to make them pay over and over?
About that whole Daddy thing, yes that would be God, my True Father, the one who created this cosmic beautiful glaxy we live in. He is real, He loves us, the world makes us blind. My mom is 92, I have no intention of being orphaned so I got right with my Abba Father. It was the best decision I ever made, besides the one to marry that man that still takes my breath away.
Seeing through the obstacles and seeing what lies beyond… what a gift that would be. I would be a master planner, few surprises, I can make life boring really quick. Is there really green grass waiting on the other side of every big mess I get in? Yes and no. I press in during hard times. Like today, I am frantically trying to make up for lost time. My friend is moving and I in classic Marla style managed to miss the forest for the trees once again. She she suffered with isolation and loneliness but I was never in the place of fully understanding how to help her. The situation too big for one person to solve alone and there is no help. It makes me so incredibly sad. When we moved here my Dad waved at everyone, I remember asking him why, few ever waved back. He said other people don’t stop me from being friendly. What a good teacher.
Her issues never stopped me from being her friend. In my job I adopted several hearts who for some reason I found nuggets of gold in. My mom taught me to do that, find the best in people and love them. Leave the sins separate from the person. That means forming no opinions or making no judgements about them.
Which leads me to today, a headache and feeling not good but comitted to helping and I want to be a woman of my word. In this world of texts and last minute cancellations being so easy now, I need to follow through for her, to settle my soul. I should have done more for her but this illness took my energy on so many occasions . So today in the heat I went again and tried to help her patch together what is left of 16 years here and get down the road. Starting over she said, I agreed. I have done my share of reinvention. And I think, me too. So today as I sat with these clowns turning the hose into a sprinkler for them, I giggled as I watched them. But I was by myself but not alone.
I sat on the bench and talked to God about my friend and her problems, I don’t need to reiterate, he was there. He knows her heart, He knows mine, He knows the ending. There is a huge mess there to be faced another day and my darling husband who is always helping my mind said that he loves my heart, my passion for good, but slow down. I know he is right but the eager child who wants to please her Father is energetic in spirit. I know the remedy for broken, I found the truth. I want to help others know that.
Mac would be really proud of me, he knew my secrets, my desire to love others. He was my teacher of selfless, the teacher of acceptance and patience, we don’t all move at the same pace. Slow down for the ones who slip some times. Walk softer my loves.
I hope you enjoyed this journey, it is one of love. We must learn from each other, build bridges don’t burn them.