25 Jun

Sustain Me


Psalm 119:116 Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live;
do not let my hopes be dashed.

My entire life I have sought acceptance, today it stops. I can remember standing at the entrance to the old Agway store as a little girl, I would open the door for people just to hear them say, “what a nice girl”. At home I was under the shadow of another who excelled at everything while I bumped into things and fell down, missing teeth and bruised. A walking, talking calamity and conundrum and I was treated according to the problems I created. I was the source of many tears and upsets, my curiosity and lack of discipline were a nuisance. They still are, not much has changed.

After years of hearing the accolades and cheers that never came my way, it was understood that I was less, I stood in the wings waiting for my turn to be awesome and loved but it never came. My mistakes brought consequences and shame, I have worn that hat my entire life and today the Father has asked me to take it off.  He had to open my eyes to this. Satans condemnation became the loudest voice I heard,  God’s love was hidden from me for so long.

Why do we look outside, into the world for our sustenance? Because we can see it, feel it and touch it? I belive we have not been taught to recieve the blessings of the Father. My understanding is that I must be in the right spirit to recieve Him, I wonder how many like me spend years reading their Bible and the promises in it for believers but they never truly beleive it is for them.

If we really understood how much God loves us the trivial love and approval this world offers would be a joke. There are soul ties that we make, tiny covenants with things we feel make our lives better but we must remember much of what we are privy to in the industrialized world is not of God. Discern before you decide you cannot live without it. Those soul tie open doors to many things, they can end up embedded in our hearts and we don’t even realize that Satan is playing us like a fiddle.

Yes you can have it your way but is that what is best? God talks an awful lot in His Word about His way being the way to follow. I strongly caution believers in God to cautiously consume this world. I brought in so many things to satisfy me, it was a game of elimination. No amount of fun activities, food, drink, drug, or sexual escapade ever filled me, I felt empty and used up every time. I am sure there are those who look at my life and see a sinner, good that is accurate. I deserve nothing but the punishment of the God that I love. But mercy exists and if you cannot see past my past then you don’t know my Father.

I don’t look for Mercy in this world, I don’t look for it at church, in social groups, in my family, no human can pull it off and Mercy does not belong to humans, none of us are worthy of dispensing it. This is only for the Father to dispense. Self righteous people who flaunt their holiness have been such a stumbling block for me. I sought love in every place I ended up and came out bruised and cynical. Filling the ache with anything but God brings pain, trust me.

Today I see myself in a different light, forgiven, flawless and redeemed. I know who I am today. Satan’s goal is to break down our moral code, he did mine, he loves it and revels when he makes a believer stumble. This world is his playground so I am not sure why the so called followers of Christ are hanging onto it so tight. Churches have become tax exempt money changers, the Pharisees are alive and well, Satan and his minions go to church. In good conscience I have not been able to enter one of these buildings and invest any of the money God has allowed me to use into a system that is not saving souls.

Jesus came to help the whores, thieves, the broken, the lame, the diseased, the sick, the mentally ill and whatever society threw away. Like temples of old I have yet to see a church that functions as a hospital for the broken soul. Churches in their piety shun the gays, the occultists, the new age movement and the incarcerated afraid the dirt will get on them.

When you all begin to resemble the one who tells me I am good enough, when you are lined at the door of the church greeting the lost, standing in the driveway beckoning them to come then perhaps you will turn my head and the heads of those who stand with me awake and seeing the disease of sinful pride hold back the love of Christ that should flow from believers.

Until then I will man my post, fight the good fight and remember it is not my job to police you and stop your madness. God will pay evil for evil ad good for good. It is not karma or luck. when you stand before Him, you can’t take your homies, He won’t care about your stuff, your medals or your list of references of accounts.

Naked you come, naked you go and the hole that is dug is the same size for us all. But the treasures we store will be counted. Choose wisely and go in love.

Blessings and Peace,





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