24 Jun

Placement and Position

“Life is a daring adventure, or nothing.” Quote by Helen Keller

At 47  I have pondered my position as a mother more than any other position I have held. Now at 27 and 16 they need me much less and the position changes yet again. Let’s begin by being honest, I have not always been a good parent, I am not abusive, I am just incredibly selfish.  I became a mother at 19, I had no idea what I was doing but I knew how to love, knew how to live happily on nothing and was creative. My twenties brought a cascade of events, a divorce and a new people in my child’s life. By the time I was 30, we added my son and it was us three, a little team pressing back against oppression we stood in happy light in horrible circumstances. Perhaps that is why our love is forged so deeply, I never hid things from my kids, life is raw, learn in love to deal with it, circle the wagons and light the home fires.

However my selfish ambition took us many places they did not want to go, their investment was in me only. My recent transparency inspired theirs as well and I got to listen to grown up versions of our story, extrememly humbling let me tell you. I always added my kids to the agenda but it was me seeking love and approval in the world with kids along for the ride. I taught them to seek satisfaction and blessings from the world. Mistake Number One.  I recently began to fully understand God’s plan for women as He created us. I wonder if I have planted all of the seeds that I should have? Did I arm them for spiritual battle in this world?  I have shed tears and given birth to sadness over the loss I have come to understand, the pain in them that came as result of my mistakes.

As mothers we are leaders of the home, we are decision makers and implementors. What consumes us is what we pour onto our families, on our children. Being a mom is the most rewarding sacrafice I have ever made, it has taught me doing the right things reaps a harvest of joy. Do we always realize what a gift it is to be a mother? Why do we give it away? I have read my Bible and I digest it as the truth, in all of my life it is the only thing that holds water. I learned the hard way sparing the rod spoils the child, I understand that discipline is peace. God knows each baby intimately, woven in the secret place, all their days ordained by Him. Chidren are a heritage from God, little ambassadors, why do we hurt them, neglect them, discard them, lead them astray? God is weeping over our children, some days this breaks me in half and I too weep and pray for kids today.

Today’s woman lives in a stew pot of temptation, without the strength I have found in God I was unable to resist and discern. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says us to submit our thoughts to God and seek obedience. How many of us know how to do that? Permeated by sexual images on TV, in movies, the inuendos in music lyrics, they lead our thoughts, program our minds, are we ashamed of opening that to God? We learn how to discuss people instead of pray for them, how to worry about how you look instead of who you are, make more time for you, figure out what to do with any offspring that are in the way, balance it all and be amazing. Although God’s plan says women are to be led by our husbands, I see so many who are dominant and running the show or their man bailed out , leaving them the one responsible for making the choices that impact your family. I believe men have been misled too, they don’t realize God holds them accountable for their wife and children. They may take things more seriously if they did, maybe they’d grow up faster, let go of toys and playtime sooner.

Let’s consider Proverbs 6:16-19, there are 6 things God hates, I will crucify myself so that we can learn. They are haughty eyes, a lying tounge, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart devising wicked schemes, feet that rush to evil, liars and dissenters who stir trouble. For years my conscience was seared, by this I mean I had no guilt anymore for wrong. Haughtyness goes along with control, and I used this often. Killing the control freak and perfectionist in me was a chore not for the faint of heart, dying to self is not so simple. Manipulation was a tool I used often to make “my way” the high way the family traveled on. I had been “in charge” for so long, I did not let go of this easily. I did learn much to my husbands joy, I was emasculating him and had no idea.

The modern woman is defiant and loud, she has an opinion and is all about choices, that was me. A slave to desire who filled the ache with overconsumption of food and alcohol, bad relationships, retail therapy, a career and even hungry for power. Who are we? Maybe this is what is wrong with our kids? We do program our family, what is programming us?  Passing baby off at 6 weeks, mom enters this dual role of enslavement and the struggle begins, you cannot fill the hole meant to hold love of a child with a career. This comes at a price, sadly some women say not now God and give them back, never even trying.  Sadly we wear the sins of our Mothers, I wear the pain of my own mom going off to work. My difficult teen years came second to what she “had to do”. I look back at it as a tragedy but promise God it will not go to waste. I don’t blame my mom anymore but I did hold anger and bitterness that I never sourced until about a year ago. Deep in my mind was the notion that she bailed out on me, I buried the thought though. My sister a few years my senior picked up the ball when mom was gone but she was on her own path of running away from our world of right at home, to a world of wrongs and I went for the ride too, willingly, let’s remember, at 13 I was craving attention. In hindsight there was not a soul who spoke my language or understood me, I internalized all of my lonliness.

My adult life has been getting to know myself, this process was never cultivated, I was so made, between church academics, modeling school and my career , none of them ever served me. Ladies we must know ourselves first and foremost. We are responders, to life and our responses mean so very much to so many people.  Women have been lied to and misled for generations. This fast, convenient world offers no speedy solutions for weathering the truly gritty moments of motherhood and child rearing.  Suddenly you are in deep and a million other voices are distracting you. Dealing with life’s problems takes time, this is seed planting time for a mother. You will teach your child how to respond to the world, what is your response to today’s world? Think about this please, it is important.  That said, we also our the programmers of our family, what are we plugging them in to? Choices hold consequences, I will leave it there.

Are we dominated by  “to do” lists or do we have a “to be” goal. I personally want to be like Jesus. More every day,make me loving, long suffering, others centered, kind to all, giving of my time and love, fair and wise. All of the to do’s as a mom fall in when you know who you are. I pray daily, “Father please help me use my time, treasure and talent with the right motives. Teach me what I need to let go of and help me keep my eyes on you, never meditating on my mistakes. I will shun the fear of man and live in bold allegiance to you. Amen”

I often wonder what God thinks of my life. A very daring adventure fraught with mistakes and challenges. But my prayer for think skin and a soft heart was heard and He is the love I searched all of my life for. Moms, I know you love your kids, I love mine fiercely but I admit that I was a huge stumbling block to my childrens spiritual growth. Waffling on right and wrong, allowing my mind to be dominated by the rhetoric and spin, trying to be on the fence and in the gray area. I learned that the fence belongs to Satan, so if you are there you may want to think about changing positions.

Help for the journey, that is all that this is. Can you learn from my experience? Can my pain save you pain? I pray this daily, please don’t let it be for nothing. Even if it is only one person, just one, I gladly carry this cross to the end. I do it all for Love. And for my legacy.

What do you leave behind, or better yet who? A difference maker? Pray moms, maybe dad is checked out but you can do this.  When we open our lives to the Father and allow Him to change us this slow beauty appears. I am blessed to be married to my best friend who tells me every day, ” I don’t know what you are doing but you get more beautiful and I love you more all the time.” Hmmm. Thanking the Healer, inside and out.

Much love to you all readers,





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