Today began like any other Monday. I roll out and look out the window at the just barely there light. I offer my first sleepy good morning to the Father and enter into my routines. Today though, it was about 10 minutes after he was out the door and I am done. Over the weekend my hubs “dots my I’s and crosses my T’s” , he keeps me moving and busy and lonely cannot creep in. I am once again alone with God and am in a funk. I cannot lie and today I am feeling distance, my weekends are double edged, I spend tons of QT with my man but my prayer life quiets somewhat. I enter prayer to talk to God, things came up over the weekend and in the whirl of anniversary activity I was not offering my thoughts up as often. My habit of mindful behavior slips, I am human I know so I have to dust myself off and get back to it.
I had plans to visit my Amish friend Sarah and take photos for her new catalog that will digest the items she carries in her health products store. Not feeling the best and watching the clock I got into my devotional time and the conversation began, I can tell my Father anything and he bats no eyes. He knows full well that disobedience and lack of discipline combined are the world I grew up in. Boundaries did not exist and I have very bad habits that I pray about and ask for help with. One is bitterness and unforgiveness, the one I hold it against is myself. Self hatred, how many Christian kids raised in the church have self hate buried. Never good enough? Not quite holy enough? The rebel side called louder than the choir? I grew into an angry woman abused and with the pain of sexual impurity who drank her pain. Church does not fix your kids for life.
Yes, I who preach love non stop struggle here. My knowledge of our sweet Saviour escaped me, I left off some where at He loved children, I hold on to things. Especially items of injustice, that creates a fire in me. My boss at the bank used to tell me every year at my evaluations that I needed to let go of certain things. I hold too tightly, a little heavy on the passion. But in embracing my uniqueness I realize it makes me who I am. I learned from Lady that running free is not always best so when I get too heady I allow my Fathers word to put me back on track. I prayed again today about my self hate, left it all at the foot of the cross where I envision Jesus taking hits for my play time. Yes I am that serious about my relationship with God. I do not practice religion, this is my life.
I headed to Sarah’s store and after forgetting my phone then going back in for my purse, I get down the road and don’t recognize where I am. Memory issues, gotta love it, I think of calling her and rescheduling but am praying the entire time and I realize the nudges to quit today are not Him. So I continue on, wind in my hair I choose to embrace the unknown and just go where He sends me.
I am back home now and He had gifts for me today, really nice ones. His love was first. It was poured out on me by Sarah, who took me into her home and as we arranged we talked. She has been my health coach for a few years now, helping me and even at one point giving me things to just try to help after I lost my job. Until we finished I was smiling, she had a hug and a book for me along with samples to try out for my blog in review here. I got in my truck and cried and just said “thank you Father, I feel it”. My next stop took me to the market and I saw my friend Susan, we share things in conversation when we see each other and I asked how her girls are. She is a foster mom to troubled girls and it is not easy, I do not think that most of the world knows what life is like for kids in the system. She shared with me some things and we talked about how hard it is to be a teen, let alone carry baggage from parents and possibly grandparents who neglect, abusers, unchecked health issues and host of other things that make their lives so hard. Children are the ambassadors to God’s kingdom, the rate and ways in which we dispose of them as nusciances to our agendas is sickening to me. I crucify noone without myself included, been there, done that. As I got in the truck to leave, I realized again there was my kick in the pants, my get back on track.
He says: Remember what your passion is and why you care about it so much, I am right here.
Let me say this, the hand of God in my life has never been more apparent. He speaks to us so loudly sometimes but I fear we are not listening. My life was almost my own sacrifice, that is what happens to unresolved pain, the body just becomes sick under stress that is a killer.
I have learned that every single situation must be brought before our Heavenly Father with confidence in the name of Jesus Christ. How I wish I had put that into practice long ago, how I wish someone would have showed me a person alive in the Holy Spirit, I had a very passionate and courageous spirit but took every single wrong turn, where were the Spirit Guides? Don’t burn me yet Salem, I was in churches the entire time, there was noone on fire there. I ended up in seances and so on, bad deal. I do not think that praents realize how off track a teenage can get. You can open your spirit to some horrible things that will stay with you forever and shape your life.
My mission is to awaken spirits, to speak God’s truth in my own words and maybe break down one wall or stronghold with my own transparency. I have a long list of things to avoid. The first I tell kids is booze, I know it is recreation to alot of adults and parents, I was one of them. I had to apologize to my children. When I realize that alcohol greased the skids to any inhibitions I had and gave my courageous heart away, I was repulsed. I cursed the person who introduced me to it and had to let go of anger there. Think, and pray for discernment.
My life had become a process of enlightenments but it is because I can no longer sleep. I can no longer see the pain in the word and do nothing. I have been to the edge and found my pulse again. Watch me go with God.
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
And where you invest your love, you invest your life
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker
Ephesians 1:18-19 18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. These are in accordance with the working of the strength of His might.
Much love to all, Marla