22 Jun

His Timing is Perfect

story

Today began like any other Monday. I roll out and look out the window at the just barely there light. I offer my first sleepy good morning to the Father and enter into my routines. Today though, it was about 10 minutes after he was out the door and I am done. Over the weekend my hubs “dots my I’s and crosses my T’s” , he keeps me moving and busy and lonely cannot creep in. I am once again alone with God and am in a funk. I cannot lie and today I am feeling distance, my weekends are double edged, I spend tons of QT with my man but my prayer life quiets somewhat.   I enter prayer to talk to God, things came up over the weekend and in the whirl of anniversary activity I was not offering my thoughts up as often. My habit of mindful behavior slips, I am human I know so I have to dust myself off and get back to it.

I had plans to visit my Amish friend Sarah and take photos for her new catalog that will digest the items she carries in her health products store. Not feeling the best and watching the clock I got into my devotional time and the conversation began, I can tell my Father anything and he bats no eyes. He knows full well that disobedience and lack of discipline combined are the world I grew up in. Boundaries did not exist and I have very bad habits that I pray about and ask for help with. One is bitterness and unforgiveness, the one I hold it against is myself. Self hatred, how many Christian kids raised in the church have self hate buried. Never good enough? Not quite holy enough? The rebel side called louder than the choir? I grew into an angry woman abused and with the pain of sexual impurity who drank her pain.  Church does not fix your kids for life.

Yes, I who preach love non stop struggle here. My knowledge of our sweet Saviour escaped me, I left off some where at He loved children, I hold on to things. Especially items of injustice, that creates a fire in me. My boss at the bank used to tell me every year at my evaluations that I needed to let go of certain things.  I hold too tightly, a little heavy on the passion. But in embracing my uniqueness I realize it makes me who I am. I learned from Lady that running free is not always best so when I get too heady I allow my Fathers word to put me back on track. I prayed again today about my self hate, left it all at the foot of the cross where I envision Jesus taking hits for my play time. Yes I am that serious about my relationship with God. I do not practice religion, this is my life.

I headed to Sarah’s store and after forgetting my phone then going back in for my purse, I get down the road and don’t recognize where I am. Memory issues, gotta love it, I think of calling her and rescheduling but am praying the entire time and I realize the nudges to quit today are not Him. So I continue on, wind in my hair I choose to embrace the unknown and just go where He sends me.

I am back home now and  He had gifts for me today, really nice ones.  His love was first.  It was poured out on me by Sarah, who took me into her home and as we arranged we talked. She has been my health coach for a few years now, helping me and even at one point giving me things to just try to help after I lost my job. Until we finished I was smiling, she had a hug and a book for me along with samples to try out for my blog in review here. I got in my truck and cried and just said “thank you Father, I feel it”. My next stop took me to the market and I saw my friend Susan, we share things in conversation when we see each other and I asked how her girls are. She is a foster mom to troubled girls and it is not easy, I do not think that most of the world knows what life is like for kids in the system. She shared with me some things and we talked about how hard it is to be a teen, let alone carry baggage from parents and possibly grandparents who neglect, abusers, unchecked health issues and host of other things that make their lives so hard. Children are the ambassadors to God’s kingdom, the rate  and ways in which we dispose of them as nusciances to our agendas is sickening to me. I crucify noone without myself included, been there, done that.  As I got in the truck to leave, I realized again there was my kick in the pants, my get back on track.

He says: Remember what your passion is and why you care about it so much, I am right here.  

Let me say this, the hand of God in my life has never been more apparent. He speaks to us so loudly sometimes but I fear we are not listening. My life was almost my own sacrifice, that is what happens to unresolved pain, the body just becomes sick under stress that is a killer.

I have learned that every single situation must be brought before our Heavenly Father with confidence in the name of Jesus Christ. How I wish I had put that into practice long ago, how I wish someone would have showed me a person alive in the Holy Spirit, I had a very passionate and courageous  spirit but took every single wrong turn, where were the Spirit Guides? Don’t burn me yet Salem, I was in churches the entire time, there was noone on fire there. I ended up in seances and so on, bad deal. I do not think that praents realize how off track a teenage can get. You can open your spirit to some horrible things that will stay with you forever and shape your life.

My mission is to awaken spirits, to speak God’s truth in my own words and maybe break down one wall or stronghold with my own transparency. I have a long list of things to avoid. The first I tell kids is booze, I know it is recreation to alot of adults and parents, I was one of them. I had to apologize to my children. When I realize that alcohol greased the skids to any inhibitions I had and gave my courageous heart away, I was repulsed. I cursed the person who introduced me to it and had to let go of anger there. Think, and pray for discernment.

My life had become a process of enlightenments but it is because I can no longer sleep. I can no longer see the pain in the word and do nothing. I have been to the edge and found my pulse again. Watch me go with God.

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
And where you invest your love, you invest your life
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker

Ephesians 1:18-19 18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe. These are in accordance with the working of the strength of His might.

Much love to all, Marla

17 Jun

Farmhouse Lemon Pudding

lemon

I happen to love lemons, I put one whole lemon in my green juice daily. My peels go into a jar with white vinegar to create my power cleaner, literally degreases everything. I let mine marinate for about a month. My gluten free, toxin free life also led me to pudding, lemon pudding that was a hit. I took a picture of my evening snack the other night and posted it to Facebook and the recipe was requested so I am obliging.

My kitchen evolved to one that cooks  with fresh things from our farm and local farmers who have animals that I do not, namely a milk cow but I want one. Just need the strength and energy to keep up with one and I don’t have it right now.

I recently found I have Hashimoto’s Thyroid on top of RA and Lyme and was instructed right away to go gluten free. I need to lean towards the Wahl’s Diet for autoimmune function as well as one gentle on my damaged gut that still struggles to heal. I am creating my own recipes in hopes that some of you with the same problems find ideas, I am always starving for them! I need new things to eat, I am a foodie that lives in this prison, not kidding. I am the gal who joked I could live on baked good and coffee, I love them both that much.

Sometimes I find a recipe that works, a new thing, I try not to duplicate the things I miss, I pretend they died. I have had decedence and loved many chocolate things and fondly recall our relationship but it is over.

On this recipe I am going to try honey next as the sweetener, I will keep you all posted. I used only about 1/4 cup sugar in mine, I steerr from too much, bad stuff but we do have to live. the land of complete deprivation is hell, I won’t lie to you..

That said, enter pudding. I can have pudding. Now so can you!

Much love,

Marla

Farmhouse Lemon Pudding
Author: 
 
You will need a double boiler , nesting bowls and a fine mesh bag or sieve
Ingredients
  • 3 large fresh pastured egg yolks
  • ½ cup organic sugar
  • 3 tbsp. cornstarch or arrowroot
  • ¼ tsp. kosher salt
  • 2 cups, fresh raw milk
  • ½ cup lemon juice (fresh is best)
  • 2 tbsp, softened organic butter
  • Soft whipped cream
  • Fresh organic berry sauce
Instructions
  1. Start a 2 qt double boiler, water in the bottom bring to a soft bill. Meanwhile whisk the egg yolks in a bowl and set aside. Whisk top of double boiler add sugar, cornstarch, and salt, add a little milk to make a paste then stir in the rest of the milk slowly. Whisk until it thickens and simmers, allow for 2 minutes scraping often.
  2. Remove top of boiler and take 1 cup of milk mixture and add to egg yolks. Mix well then add to top of boiler with remaining milk mix. Put back over heat and simmer again until it thickens, wisking very slowly to consistency of sour cream. Remove and add in lemon juice.
  3. You can strain in fine mesh to remove the liquids.
  4. In nesting bowls, make an ice water bath for the pudding to rest in, don't slosh water over the sides until it cools, stir gently if needed.
  5. Pour into individual bowls or single dish, cover the surface with saran wrap pressing against the pudding. (keeps from forming skin)
  6. Top it off with berry sauce and whipped cream~ enjoy

 

P.S. Here is a link to an awesome article about lemons too!

http://www.stylecraze.com/articles/45-wonderful-benefits-and-uses-of-lemon/

17 Jun

The Shape of a Man

matt

 

Today is my wedding anniversary, and I could talk for hours about my husband. He is handsome, strong, smart and has a big heart but he is not perfect, he is human. I am not one to brag on things and today I will not change that, but I will talk instead about the shape of a man, it is what fills his heart.

Attraction began our adventure, the early years were fun, we both came from empty loveless marriages prior and had mistakes behind us but we invested in each other with our whole hearts. He was fun, loving and I was so crazy about him, he was everything I ever wanted. But today 11 years since our first date and 9 years since our wedding, I know that who he is also depends on who I am.

Pre-Illness I was a bank manager, a good one. I had a following and reached great career heights but my drive to succeed was born of my independence to stay afloat. I never intended that job, it came to me by accident and if I am honest I was never 100% sure it was the right fit. But the money was the lead in, as a single mom who struggled on one income with 2 children I was never able to give them much, money changed things, in hindsight I sold my soul. She was a perfectly coiffed ray of sunlight with a perpetual cloud over her head.

Over time, the stress of the job became a burden on my body, the goals the deadlines and the sicker my body got the worse my demeanor was, eventually the physical collapse was unavoidable. At my worst I did not know how ill I was and I was drowning my problems in twisted tea and wine. By the time my illness blew in the storm had already begun, the flood and my harassment left us both angry and fearful.  In the worst days it was the 2 of us here with our son, I was comatose in bed unable to do anything, I would hear them in the kitchen trying to cook food that my mother kindly kept us stocked with.  Our marriage went into dormant surivival mode, not much was going on and we floated on hope and both searched for answers.

In the days that unfolded I slowly made it to where I am today, much of my journey is listed here in this blog. It has been a hard road of re-learning everything I was ever taught. Brought up in the 70’s we were told we could have it all and do it all. I plugged away on what I knew, which was a total lie, I worked so hard to be a good person. Only to find at age 47 that I was really just trash sitting in the piles of her mistakes, always so strong willed in my choices the taste of the consequences are bitter.

I once had my name analyzed at the fair, it said Marla, derived of Mary and referenced the word bitter which I took offense to, today I look at that keychain as a predictor. Post-illness, bitter could not cover the condition of my heart. It had become broken and black, all I saw was horror and all I wanted was to die. I could not do anything, be anything, no one understood and I hated my body, it failed me.

When I finally beat and chopped my way through doctrine I was finally able to see the loving God who had been by my side the entire time. Funny thing about sin and walls, they obscure Him, He is still there we just cover Him with our own lives when we run them ourselves. However I noticed that some other people had to emerge from my illness too, my husband and our son. I did not realize at the time the toll it took on the both of them, our social life literally stopped overnight.

We rebuild one day at a time, but we build smarter, I feel we were given a chance to try again.  The transparency leftover from the illness began it, he had to take care of me, he became my nurse, my therapist, my coach, we both had lessons in suffering. In the process though our hearts were changing. Love was blooming from another place, one of learned friendship and compassion, it came with a price, transparency. We married with me in a mask. He did not know I had rape or molestation in my past, I had sealed that door and it was going to the grave that way. I cannot begin to speak on the conversations we had but it became very apparent to us both that love is a choice to commit to a consistently imperfect human.

Today I am who I always was with mileage, I am different, a rare breed, I always was, but now I don’t care about the opinions of others, there is no fear in God. My darling husband does not share all of my beliefs, I’m riding in my vessel, with my “other human”, I pray out loud and talk to God, I get laughed at sometimes but he loves me.  Some day I wonder why but then he says he loves me and I feel it, without touching, something so powerful, like a magnet.

I said he was my home and in a sense he is, he is the ground I needed to be planted in to bloom, I hired a Master Gardener and the journey I was on to find love has ended, yet the adventure has just begun. I am learning  to trust the outcome, keep an eternal perspective, live with intention to please God in word and deed. In that I have found that a woman’s job is to be a helper to her husband, I had some things to learn. I can say that I have always craved discipline, I left home at 17 angry, pride held me hostage and a cascade of things happened that now read like a script. My husband is the man who was brave enough love me despite my blunders and challenge my will and win. Enter submissiveness, as I learned my Bible some new rules of marriage appeared. Marriage is designed to be a shelter, ladies we are not designed to be it all or to do it all.

This does not mean I am a doormat, it is a change in the way our life, marriage and family is structured. Old fashioned you say, that may be but I will silence your chuckle with statistics, go take a look back at divorce rates when traditional familes were living Godly lives. The proof is as they say in the pudding, it is like harmony was breathed into our home, as we all learn to love more, forgive fast and speak kindly the entire package improves.

My anniversary advice to you all is don’t teach another what you cannot do in word or deed. Walk the walk, talk the talk, if someone hurts you, it is becasue they don’t know who they are. If you allow yourself to be hurt you don’t know who you are. My first priority is God’s Love, when I say I do God says, “I am”. My “love jug” fills on God, I don’t need my husbands love to fill me so he gets up every day off the hook for his mistakes. Nice huh? Just ask him. I pick a Jesus daisy every day, He loves me, He loves me, He loves me, oh look He loves me…get it yet?

I am forgiven, unconditionally loved and have committed myself to be a conduit of grace that stands in Peace shoes with her Crown of Forgiveness covered in the cloak of Jesus Christ. I am finally the perfect wife, all of the shopping for perfection, self serving self help and therapy was a joke, it was me, I was my problem all along.

Note to hubs: Happy Anniversary darling, I wrote this for you and for the Father who gives us this beautiful gift that we keep unwrapping every day. A lifetime is not long enough for me to love you. I will bring the sunshine to you every day and promise to stay by your side, good times, bad times. And I will pray and give my life away daily so that I can be what you need. Thank you for taking care of me and being my partner and friend, if it keeps getting better by the day just imagine the places we will go.

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Thanks friends for sharing our day~Blessings to you all

Marla

 

 

13 Jun

Rules of Engagement

kids

 

So much is said of the Spirit, in the new age, and amid the chakras, crystals and meditative applications let’s delve into more than a world view. My days begin with my Heavenly Father, I have reached a place where the chaos of this world is deafening and I cannot face it until I pray.  As I scroll through social media it is rapt with fear and hatred, it reveals a very unsetlled and unhappy world. I see the “churched” ones looking to prophesy and predictions, the remainder look to Depak and Oprah to align the stars for them to follow.

The Spirit you all seek is already here, it is the fruit that is missing. The fruit of the Spirit is listed in Ephesians and I see it touted everywhere and promoted,  I resist this. The fruit we speak of it indicative not imperative, reaching for it does not work, it cannot be learned or contrived, it is the indication of the Spirit working in a human. We are not called to passively exist, there is ongoing tension between the living in the Spirit and giving in to our own selfish desires. The gifts are not a “to do” list and should not be viewed as such.

Flesh is the Bible is selfish, self centered desires and inclinations, largely defined as anything opposed to God’s work and His Holy Character. This is not to be confused with virtue, that is a disciplined or self cultivated, no amout of human determination can ripen the fruit of the spirit, it is indicated in the life being lived. This fruit is relational-God wants our hearts and we are called to Peace. Peace or Shalom is an interaction between two parties, it is not a Zen space we find alone.  This is “Agape, other centered love, are we as spiritual beings aligning with our will or the will of the Holy Spirit.
moncler outlet
Jesus was our model to follow, He is the perfector of our faith. He the Only Son of God, suffered, was despised and rejected by the churched people of His time, he was love and goodness and walked among the commons, something the Western Church rarely does in it’s lofty sytem of grace intermingled with greed. Let us not forget he was mercilessly killed and after His death, the Holy Spirit came like a hurricane to the lovers of Christ who surrendered to the folly of the cross. We must be willing to experience fellowship with the suffering of Jesus, the shame and humiliation of his death there.  We must accept that this earthly life in vessels is seared by personal and global sin and will never be Utopia, it is not our home, we can stop storing treasure here.

Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Galatians 5:24

There are 2 ways to deprive oneself of the power and wisdom of the Cross and completely miss out on its transformative force. One is to intellectualize the Passion of Christ.  Be cautious is boasting ressurective triumph without accepting the reality of the crucifixion and death in ourselves, we must not trivialize it or make it more tolerable. Second is to mineralize Christ’s passion. In bronze, marble, gold and silver, we are diminishing His 3rd hour. We no longer seee the torn flesh, the blood, His tears, His raging thirst, sheer agony and broken heart. Can we even understand the incomparable love of Jesus that ravished His Heavenly Father? 

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, we must not become weary and lose heart. We must resist fear, hopelessness and discouragement by praying daily and remaining intimately engaged with the Godhead. Only God can give us strength through the Holy Spirit to carry on. We are called to abide in peace, walk in confidence and live in the Spirit. Live in the knowledge of the Kingdom and resist the traps in this world. So much of our focus is on things that are made by hands of man, it may be here, it may be accesible but is it good? We must learn to pray for discernment through prayer.

The acts of flesh are easily recognizeable, they are anything opposed to God’s will, love of self is in direct opposition.  Egos are apparent as people adapt the “me first” attitude and begin to compete. The Fruit of the Spirit growns organically, it is not the result of hard work or discipline, it is not bullet points to check off, the are characteristics, not doing words, they are being words. Being leads to doing and at that intersection of the Spirit flowing and the willing heart the person transforms and changes inexplainably. Faithfulness is our relationship to God and obedience is the expression of our Faith. We are called in Galatians 5:25 again, it says “Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit”.

Let us align our will in prayer and coperate with the Spirit, do not grieve Him, if we do not we remain immature and our lives appear more fleshly than spiritual. We can reflect on the life of Jesus to find our directions, he is the model of spiritual fruit we should desire. There are so few transparent, spirit filled humans becasue so few plunge head first into life with Jesus and die to selfishness, dishonestlyand degraded love.

Be brave anough to take the fist step, call out to the Father, He will awaken you. Don’t be scared to be different, be brave.

Much love,

Marla

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