30 Jun

Prayer Position

Posture: to position, especially strategically: to develop a policy or stance for (oneself, a company, government, etc.): to adopt an attitude or take an official position on (a matter)

Warrior: a person engaged or experienced in warfare; soldier: a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness, as in politics or athletics.

Fighter: a person who fights, struggles, resists

What do these have in common? 

They speak of my praying position. Let me explain why.

The Bible tells us we are against the unseen. Anyone who has experienced a supernatural event that cannot be explained, sometimes seeing a birth and being a parent does it, but one way or another we acknowledge there is alot we don’t know and science cannot fully explain. Can we please stop asking it to? We are robbing life of mystery. No wonder it is hard for humans to grasp the idea of worshipping the One True God. If they can’t affirmatively Google it, were led wrong and developed a hard heart, suffer church hurt from self righteous stumbling blocks, grew up agnostic whatever the cause we have become cynical and callous to God. In the 47th year of my life living as a peacemaker for all of it all I can say is I cry for the state of affairs.

The world is at war but I see that neighbors, families, lovers are at war too. It is as if the water was poisoned. We can look around and become despondent over the state of affairs but we cannot dwell there.  We lose ground one one day, the next we gain, it ebbs and flows and we ride the waves of joy, pain, despair and at times we rhapsody.

In the midst of it all are our small little lives, we are all one yet there are so many of us in the world. Cells and energy flowing, this science can prove and recent medical research is showing we cannot anly longer neglect the spirit. I fear many people who are so very good at heart who seek peace as I did are led in many different directions to find it, that is okay, I did too, just don’t close any doors. In your meditations you may be spoken to but discern who or what it is you speak to. Sunday School and Youth Group alike were pretty limited in talking about Satan. It is like they though if we didn’t talk about him he’d leave us alone.

I am here to tell us all, not true, Simply not true. We live in a mystical world, we lost our touch to it though. All of the reason has reasoned the amazing factor right out the door. I meet people, look into faces searching, I see so much sadness and anger, weariness and discouragement, few joyful people truly enter my world. Everyone seems to have an issue with something or someone and that my friends is life yet there is hope that waits.

Satan is on the prowl, his mission is to disable and derail any good from happening. He is crafty and as fast as he knows you are standing up in your shkiy faith he will blast you to weaken your stance and make you fall. Wherever, back into the wrong arms, into a bottle or a spending frenzy. What is your weakness? that is where he hits you. Fear, doubt, suspicion, hatred, rage, depression, your eating habits, he attacks without notice and he is very clever.

So let me ask what is your position today, warrior? Are you ready for the hits? Did you fill your vessel with God’s love in the event you need to give love away? Are you prepared or will you be drained? How about you fighter? Are you resisting? Are you pushing back? Are you engaged and ready to act in the event of an attack? Better yet are your children ready?

Or are you sinking into the sofa exhausted feeling like the day ran over you. Wander to the fridge, grab the bag,  grab the bottle, feeling the fuzzy come over you and then waiting for the relief that never comes. I lived that existence for years and watched our lives go up and down like a roller coaster, we had these reactive monuments of responding to the bad stuff that showed up and riding it out, hands clenched and biting nails.

Posture is important. If you pray already or want to begin, approach God and be honest with Him. He will be winning this war I speak of, the devil won’t prevail, evil will go and the devil knows it. You, know your position is Christ, you walk in the Power of God, He fuels the vessel you travel in. Pray with affimative action in mind, not meddling with your own ideas, consulting with Him, abiding and remaining thankful in all times. It is a huge burden lifter to understand we are given our portion, sometimes is is badly seasoned due to using the wrong spices but it it never to late to sweeten the pot.

“Father, you are so good, you love us so much and your see our hearts, we don’t always like the circumstances we are in but help us to accept our portion in you. Whatever it is Lord we pledge to abide in you. Each day we take up our cross, some days it is heavier than others. Please grant us lively spirits to prepare in a proactive way to know that as mothers and fathers,  kids and grandparents. Arming us with your grace and mercy to enter the day, this is a sooth-saying on our hearts. Bring us to still water and grant us water for our thirst Lord. Fill our vessels with love and let us spray it on the ones in our individual worlds. until it creates a tidal wave that sweeps over the anger that seems to run so deep. Hold us and whisper to us to mindfully abide in your peace and love.”

I do this blog for no gain, I don’t know who reads it and it is better that way. I love and pray for each and ever one of you.






29 Jun

Let Them See You in Me

see jesus







Blurred lines have a way of making me go deeper, a searcher, I don’t stop until I find the truth, I do not seek alone, I go with God. I pray daily that I am not blinded by popular opinions. I find it an absolute paradox that at this place in time individuals who claim not to need God go about quoting Him and His word, twisting it to suit their itching ears, even pastors are in this. Manipulating scripture is dangerous business when you are piece-mealing it to justify your argument for your won gain, Naughty humans.

The big topic is marriage right now, what is it? Let’s ask this first, what is your view of the world, analytically or mystically? If it is analytical it is very possible you won’t accept the truth in God’s word, scientific views only quantify God’s work, they do not acknowledge Him yet all of nature provides proof of Creation. Seek the truth with the same open mind that you view the world.
The talk is about covenants, mainly the covenant of marriage. God created marriage, the Bible reveals that Adam was created and Eve created by one of his ribs, created for and another. Right now their are those picking thought commandments and the first books of the Bible to base their arguments. The entire Bible is about obedience, not mans favorite topic. We like our own way and are told we can have it our way.
Let’s begin here.

the twist


Yes please let’s read ALL of the paperwork. Covenents specifically.

Begin in Deuteronomy 8:17-20: You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.”  But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today. If you ever forget the Lord your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed. Like the nationsthe Lord destroyed before you, so you will be destroyed for not obeying the Lord your God.

and again….

Isaiah 59: 21 “As for me, this is my covenant with them,” says the Lord. “My Spirit, who is on you, will not depart from you, and my words that I have put in your mouth will always be on your lips, on the lips of your children and on the lips of their descendants—from this time on and forever,” says the Lord.

God told man from day one that He would provide if we trusted Him way and followed his instruction, like a parent to a child. Disobedience has been our hallmark has it not? In the book of Malachai God reminds us why He created us as male and female. Verse 14 You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord has seen how you have not been faithful to the wife you married when you were young, even when she stays with you and is your wife by agreement. 15 Has not the Lord made them one in flesh and spirit? And what does He desire but God-like children? Be careful then in your spirit, and stay faithful to the wife you married when you were young. 16 “For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “And I hate the man who does wrong to his wife,” says the Lord of All. “So be careful in your spirit, and be one who can be trusted.”

He desired children who are born in the image of God, Godly offspring. To make children you need man and woman. There are many references to marriage being man and woman, the sheer physical dynamic of our bodies serves as the biggest factor. God’s distinctions of humans are that we either serve righteousness or wickedness, we cannot serve 2 masters.
In the book of Matthew as predicted Jesus is born, by the 3rd chapter His ministry is in full bloom, the Devil tempts Him with anything that would derail His mission, he casts Satan far away from Him, rebuking his lies. Our first example of how to behave under pressure.
We camp in the place of popularity though waffling on the fence about right and wrong still, I suggest we take it to the Lord in prayer, He will reveal the truth. Jesus spoke to the people and his message was one of repentance. He told humans to love one another, turn from sin, love of self, hatred and being slaves to desire. he did not come to abolish the Law like some pastors claim today.

In Matthew…vs 17 “Do not think that I have come to do away with the Law of Moses or the writings of the early preachers. I have not come to do away with them but to complete them. 18 I tell you, as long as heaven and earth last, not one small mark or part of a word will pass away of the Law of Moses until it has all been done. 19 Anyone who breaks even the least of the Law of Moses and teaches people not to do what it says, will be called the least in the holy nation of heaven. He who obeys and teaches others to obey what the Law of Moses says, will be called great in the holy nation of heaven. 20 I tell you, unless you are more right with God than the teachers of the Law and the proud religious law-keepers, you will never get into the holy nation of heaven.

He tells us to obey the commandments and makes it clear He is not here to judge, he was set on correcting the popular opinions. The religious leaders felt they had authority over people, He told them we all sin so none of us is worth to judge another. Trying to be superior to others is nothing but a power grab, resist it. The individual alone standing with the armor of God is more powerful than a legion of demons, stand taller little flock.
He tells us if we love Him and follow Him we will be persecuted, it is not popular to be on the side of God. He also tells us not to argue the law, let your yes be yes and your no be no. We are known by our fruit, what we produce, chaos and arguments or peace and love, we are instructed to not be a stumbling block to the truth.
He simply said Follow Me, he said he did not come to bring peace but a sword, the truth is that sword. It cuts
It slices and dices satan’s lies in half and goes to the core of a man, in the heart man knows his folly yet carries on bolstered by pride and ignorance nothing more nothing less.
Over and over he says lay down your life for me, what you identify with, what makes you who you are, your identity,m your family, all of your desire. He denounced miracles He did in cities that would not repent, is this something we should sit up and take note of? Obedience again. Yoo Hoo? Truly dismaying is seeing preachers camping on the people side instead of on the side of God’s truth.

I hear so many say, “this is how I was created, this is just who I am”, nothing disables God more, it says I am fine, I don’t need you. This prideful ignorance never allows for the rebirth as a creature of worship, the spiritual homecoming never happens. Been there, done that.
Jesus renounced His ties to family here on earth, He revealed to the disciples and the ones who he taught that God desires our hearts, we belong only to Him.
What makes us unclean as humans is what comes from our mouths, the wellspring of our hearts. In many places he elaborates on sin, let’s be clear. Following Satan, ways of wickedness, behaving in opposition to moral principles that were defined, lewdness, a preoccupation with our sexual nature, tied up with lust and desire, plans, schemes, disgraceful tacts and thoughts of unchastity, sexual impurity. He elaborated saying that when we choose to follow Him we relinquish our souls. Matthew 16 covers that.
Jesus did not come to follow the law of man, He fought it and He died as a result of that, he was murdered, martyred, crucified. For the believer we must know that these bodies planted perishable will grow again imperishable, these earthly marriages, lovers,  friendships all dissipate at resurrection, why do we hold them so tight?
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Not love the people who love you, love the neighbor, love God above all. Loving unconditionally means love, compassion and kindness not pondering or accepting as truth the feelings of sinners, we must know the truth according to Gods word and stand in it. No amount of compassion should move you to renounce any part of God’s word, if you do know that you will be held accountable for that. Accept the person not the sin, love the soul involved but hate the act that is blinding them.
Jesus told us to watch and pray, resist temptation, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.
The disciples were challenged to model Jesus, no home, no family, simply creatures of worship that gave all, even their lives for the cause. I see that today all over the world, never has it been more clear that persecution is going to be a factor. Be very wary of the ones saying we have overcome, peace is upon us. The supreme courts ruling is not a pass from the Almighty God, this is Satan all the way.
We are called to persevere, let go of all desires, they are the roots of sin. A Holy Life calls for control but don’t look for it alone. I have seen more humans “new leaf” they turn wither and die, flutter away into yesterdays news while they wallow in their mess unable to change, I lived this existence until very recently.
My life has it’s share of sexual impurity. I filled my desires with whatever felt good, crossing lines and searing my conscience to sin, it became easier and easier to get my fix, adultery became the norm. I negotiated with God and said you created me with all of this passion, it is not my fault that I need to express it how I see fit, after all it is my body. However, becoming a slave to it was so silent, I did not realize until I was over my head, I had  notches in the bedpost, failed marriages, children, and a guilty collection of things I hid deep in my heart, I did not even bring them out to discuss with God, they were mine.
When fully broken my call came to repent, I had to get honest, it took me years, I used my sexual nature and beauty as a tool, I flaunted, I seduced, I used people and my body to get what I wanted. There is no cure for shame, I know what I had to give up, let go of and walk away from but it did not come easy. Don’t tell me you cannot be changed, you have to let go of who you are, all of it.
I feel for the ones saying I was born this way. So was I. I did not change me, God changed me. I laid down my list of conquests, I relinquished my sexuality, I let go of the sin that was so heavy on my mind and held me a prisoner in torment. He washed my mind clean and restored my thoughts with purity and wholeness.
Miracles happen every day and miracle are blocked every day. Belief is at the core, our minds become closed to the mystery of transformation, we think we need to be at the helm directing the vessel. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
Hell is the truth seen too late. Food for thought.
I cannot judge you sinner who reads this. I am filthier than you are, I am the least of these but He calls me flawless and I believe Him.

I love you,

25 Jun

Sustain Me


Psalm 119:116 Sustain me, my God, according to your promise, and I will live;
do not let my hopes be dashed.

My entire life I have sought acceptance, today it stops. I can remember standing at the entrance to the old Agway store as a little girl, I would open the door for people just to hear them say, “what a nice girl”. At home I was under the shadow of another who excelled at everything while I bumped into things and fell down, missing teeth and bruised. A walking, talking calamity and conundrum and I was treated according to the problems I created. I was the source of many tears and upsets, my curiosity and lack of discipline were a nuisance. They still are, not much has changed.

After years of hearing the accolades and cheers that never came my way, it was understood that I was less, I stood in the wings waiting for my turn to be awesome and loved but it never came. My mistakes brought consequences and shame, I have worn that hat my entire life and today the Father has asked me to take it off.  He had to open my eyes to this. Satans condemnation became the loudest voice I heard,  God’s love was hidden from me for so long.

Why do we look outside, into the world for our sustenance? Because we can see it, feel it and touch it? I belive we have not been taught to recieve the blessings of the Father. My understanding is that I must be in the right spirit to recieve Him, I wonder how many like me spend years reading their Bible and the promises in it for believers but they never truly beleive it is for them.

If we really understood how much God loves us the trivial love and approval this world offers would be a joke. There are soul ties that we make, tiny covenants with things we feel make our lives better but we must remember much of what we are privy to in the industrialized world is not of God. Discern before you decide you cannot live without it. Those soul tie open doors to many things, they can end up embedded in our hearts and we don’t even realize that Satan is playing us like a fiddle.

Yes you can have it your way but is that what is best? God talks an awful lot in His Word about His way being the way to follow. I strongly caution believers in God to cautiously consume this world. I brought in so many things to satisfy me, it was a game of elimination. No amount of fun activities, food, drink, drug, or sexual escapade ever filled me, I felt empty and used up every time. I am sure there are those who look at my life and see a sinner, good that is accurate. I deserve nothing but the punishment of the God that I love. But mercy exists and if you cannot see past my past then you don’t know my Father.

I don’t look for Mercy in this world, I don’t look for it at church, in social groups, in my family, no human can pull it off and Mercy does not belong to humans, none of us are worthy of dispensing it. This is only for the Father to dispense. Self righteous people who flaunt their holiness have been such a stumbling block for me. I sought love in every place I ended up and came out bruised and cynical. Filling the ache with anything but God brings pain, trust me.

Today I see myself in a different light, forgiven, flawless and redeemed. I know who I am today. Satan’s goal is to break down our moral code, he did mine, he loves it and revels when he makes a believer stumble. This world is his playground so I am not sure why the so called followers of Christ are hanging onto it so tight. Churches have become tax exempt money changers, the Pharisees are alive and well, Satan and his minions go to church. In good conscience I have not been able to enter one of these buildings and invest any of the money God has allowed me to use into a system that is not saving souls.

Jesus came to help the whores, thieves, the broken, the lame, the diseased, the sick, the mentally ill and whatever society threw away. Like temples of old I have yet to see a church that functions as a hospital for the broken soul. Churches in their piety shun the gays, the occultists, the new age movement and the incarcerated afraid the dirt will get on them.

When you all begin to resemble the one who tells me I am good enough, when you are lined at the door of the church greeting the lost, standing in the driveway beckoning them to come then perhaps you will turn my head and the heads of those who stand with me awake and seeing the disease of sinful pride hold back the love of Christ that should flow from believers.

Until then I will man my post, fight the good fight and remember it is not my job to police you and stop your madness. God will pay evil for evil ad good for good. It is not karma or luck. when you stand before Him, you can’t take your homies, He won’t care about your stuff, your medals or your list of references of accounts.

Naked you come, naked you go and the hole that is dug is the same size for us all. But the treasures we store will be counted. Choose wisely and go in love.

Blessings and Peace,





24 Jun

Placement and Position

“Life is a daring adventure, or nothing.” Quote by Helen Keller

At 47  I have pondered my position as a mother more than any other position I have held. Now at 27 and 16 they need me much less and the position changes yet again. Let’s begin by being honest, I have not always been a good parent, I am not abusive, I am just incredibly selfish.  I became a mother at 19, I had no idea what I was doing but I knew how to love, knew how to live happily on nothing and was creative. My twenties brought a cascade of events, a divorce and a new people in my child’s life. By the time I was 30, we added my son and it was us three, a little team pressing back against oppression we stood in happy light in horrible circumstances. Perhaps that is why our love is forged so deeply, I never hid things from my kids, life is raw, learn in love to deal with it, circle the wagons and light the home fires.

However my selfish ambition took us many places they did not want to go, their investment was in me only. My recent transparency inspired theirs as well and I got to listen to grown up versions of our story, extrememly humbling let me tell you. I always added my kids to the agenda but it was me seeking love and approval in the world with kids along for the ride. I taught them to seek satisfaction and blessings from the world. Mistake Number One.  I recently began to fully understand God’s plan for women as He created us. I wonder if I have planted all of the seeds that I should have? Did I arm them for spiritual battle in this world?  I have shed tears and given birth to sadness over the loss I have come to understand, the pain in them that came as result of my mistakes.

As mothers we are leaders of the home, we are decision makers and implementors. What consumes us is what we pour onto our families, on our children. Being a mom is the most rewarding sacrafice I have ever made, it has taught me doing the right things reaps a harvest of joy. Do we always realize what a gift it is to be a mother? Why do we give it away? I have read my Bible and I digest it as the truth, in all of my life it is the only thing that holds water. I learned the hard way sparing the rod spoils the child, I understand that discipline is peace. God knows each baby intimately, woven in the secret place, all their days ordained by Him. Chidren are a heritage from God, little ambassadors, why do we hurt them, neglect them, discard them, lead them astray? God is weeping over our children, some days this breaks me in half and I too weep and pray for kids today.

Today’s woman lives in a stew pot of temptation, without the strength I have found in God I was unable to resist and discern. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says us to submit our thoughts to God and seek obedience. How many of us know how to do that? Permeated by sexual images on TV, in movies, the inuendos in music lyrics, they lead our thoughts, program our minds, are we ashamed of opening that to God? We learn how to discuss people instead of pray for them, how to worry about how you look instead of who you are, make more time for you, figure out what to do with any offspring that are in the way, balance it all and be amazing. Although God’s plan says women are to be led by our husbands, I see so many who are dominant and running the show or their man bailed out , leaving them the one responsible for making the choices that impact your family. I believe men have been misled too, they don’t realize God holds them accountable for their wife and children. They may take things more seriously if they did, maybe they’d grow up faster, let go of toys and playtime sooner.

Let’s consider Proverbs 6:16-19, there are 6 things God hates, I will crucify myself so that we can learn. They are haughty eyes, a lying tounge, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart devising wicked schemes, feet that rush to evil, liars and dissenters who stir trouble. For years my conscience was seared, by this I mean I had no guilt anymore for wrong. Haughtyness goes along with control, and I used this often. Killing the control freak and perfectionist in me was a chore not for the faint of heart, dying to self is not so simple. Manipulation was a tool I used often to make “my way” the high way the family traveled on. I had been “in charge” for so long, I did not let go of this easily. I did learn much to my husbands joy, I was emasculating him and had no idea.

The modern woman is defiant and loud, she has an opinion and is all about choices, that was me. A slave to desire who filled the ache with overconsumption of food and alcohol, bad relationships, retail therapy, a career and even hungry for power. Who are we? Maybe this is what is wrong with our kids? We do program our family, what is programming us?  Passing baby off at 6 weeks, mom enters this dual role of enslavement and the struggle begins, you cannot fill the hole meant to hold love of a child with a career. This comes at a price, sadly some women say not now God and give them back, never even trying.  Sadly we wear the sins of our Mothers, I wear the pain of my own mom going off to work. My difficult teen years came second to what she “had to do”. I look back at it as a tragedy but promise God it will not go to waste. I don’t blame my mom anymore but I did hold anger and bitterness that I never sourced until about a year ago. Deep in my mind was the notion that she bailed out on me, I buried the thought though. My sister a few years my senior picked up the ball when mom was gone but she was on her own path of running away from our world of right at home, to a world of wrongs and I went for the ride too, willingly, let’s remember, at 13 I was craving attention. In hindsight there was not a soul who spoke my language or understood me, I internalized all of my lonliness.

My adult life has been getting to know myself, this process was never cultivated, I was so made, between church academics, modeling school and my career , none of them ever served me. Ladies we must know ourselves first and foremost. We are responders, to life and our responses mean so very much to so many people.  Women have been lied to and misled for generations. This fast, convenient world offers no speedy solutions for weathering the truly gritty moments of motherhood and child rearing.  Suddenly you are in deep and a million other voices are distracting you. Dealing with life’s problems takes time, this is seed planting time for a mother. You will teach your child how to respond to the world, what is your response to today’s world? Think about this please, it is important.  That said, we also our the programmers of our family, what are we plugging them in to? Choices hold consequences, I will leave it there.

Are we dominated by  “to do” lists or do we have a “to be” goal. I personally want to be like Jesus. More every day,make me loving, long suffering, others centered, kind to all, giving of my time and love, fair and wise. All of the to do’s as a mom fall in when you know who you are. I pray daily, “Father please help me use my time, treasure and talent with the right motives. Teach me what I need to let go of and help me keep my eyes on you, never meditating on my mistakes. I will shun the fear of man and live in bold allegiance to you. Amen”

I often wonder what God thinks of my life. A very daring adventure fraught with mistakes and challenges. But my prayer for think skin and a soft heart was heard and He is the love I searched all of my life for. Moms, I know you love your kids, I love mine fiercely but I admit that I was a huge stumbling block to my childrens spiritual growth. Waffling on right and wrong, allowing my mind to be dominated by the rhetoric and spin, trying to be on the fence and in the gray area. I learned that the fence belongs to Satan, so if you are there you may want to think about changing positions.

Help for the journey, that is all that this is. Can you learn from my experience? Can my pain save you pain? I pray this daily, please don’t let it be for nothing. Even if it is only one person, just one, I gladly carry this cross to the end. I do it all for Love. And for my legacy.

What do you leave behind, or better yet who? A difference maker? Pray moms, maybe dad is checked out but you can do this.  When we open our lives to the Father and allow Him to change us this slow beauty appears. I am blessed to be married to my best friend who tells me every day, ” I don’t know what you are doing but you get more beautiful and I love you more all the time.” Hmmm. Thanking the Healer, inside and out.

Much love to you all readers,