In my early 20’s after my first marriage dissolved I floundered a bit but eventually made my way back home. I reconnected with my high school pals and they were all following the Dead at the time, seeking peace in a storm, I found shelter there and have some of the most beautiful memories to keep in my heart. The Grateful Dead was always a band I loved, country and bluegrass tones, mystical and fun lyrics and catchy music. I became a sprite, one who flitted about and life was calmer but still tortured. I struggled with my identity from as long as I can remember, always seeking my truth, I did not find it there and I moved on to other things but kept my affinity for the Dead. But the flower child began to bloom during this time.
Since I began to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ I have come to some intersections in my mind that bring me to humbled moments. One such yesterday as I connected Psalm 36:9 on my Facebook to the lyrics of Ripple. My favorite Dead song, it is profound in ways others are not. Jerry Garcia was a sweet soul, I have studied this man is his life and death, he is an icon, an entire cult movement was made from his unfluences. So who influenced him? The songwriter for sure, Jerry just penned the music to this tune.
His father died young by accident, he was an artist at heart, his older brother was his biggest male influence, by 15 he was crazy over rock and roll and fell into the crowd that some do. He had a tortured 53 years of life, fighting addiction mainly and the damage it does to the human body. In his later life, he saw himself as having a destructive component to his personality, he had an admitted “F#$& You attitude and an anarchist streak, he saw these aspects of his personality of good and evil at conflict.
The man who influenced Jerry the artist was Robert Hunter, another musical wizard who had things in his backpack. Just today I discovered Mr. Hunter was part of the MKULtra project that the CIA did with psychotropic drugs. Knowing history the way I do I defenitely see how the dark forces were at work in our heirarchy and society. There is a massive connection to a time period, a separation of young people from family, set off adrift as travelers…Robert said, If I knew the way, I can take you home, lat da da da.
Result: many lost.
Maglie Calcio poco prezzo
That did not work out so well for Jerry or the many who like me floundered on the way. Jerry filled his “love jug” on acceptance and fame, accolades and strokes. Jerry laughed at God and instead sought the teachings of Terence McKenna who idolized the altered state of mind, it was his God, he served it. His lifes work was chasing and objectifying psychadelic experiences.
So where does all of this leave us?
In my own lost, wandering life, I too tried every thing to connect with something bigger,my LSD experiences were enlightening and opened doors but did not answer the questions. I knew God existed but could not give it a name. I was young, it left a mark but when I inquired of it was told it was nothing, it was dismissed.
My experienceswith God did not match the idea of God I was taught by the humans around me. Their God was a cosmic scorekeeper just waiting to catch me screwing up to black list me. I would arrive in heaven a complete failure, a total disappointment ,as I was here flames licking at my ankles. “ugh, you should have known better, I told you so”. Enter my world of self hatred that mushroomed when I drank. It was me against that idea all of my life, no wonder I felt defeated every day. These guys all missed it too, sad, sad, sad, I can only pray that they knew the truth and met Christ as a savior in life instead of as a just, fair judge at the end. Maybe Grace met them, somewhere along the line but all died, sad ends too.
What component of religion is it that is so repelling to artists, poets, someone like me? The free spirit, the flower child, the soul that presses on despite repetitive beating if death does not consume us first. Church made me cry, deep down I knew it was not going to be my answer in this life. I did not travel the path of piety. I took the path set before me and got very, very detoured at times. Yet there remained a point inside of me that was calling out to the North Star that pulls us home, it never stopped pinging.
I had to beat my way through religion, the biggest roadblock to knowing the true God, through hypocrites, bullies, liars and a dance with Satan himself. But I emerged almost dead on the window ledge of the rest of my life. With God on one side saying, “just step inside honey, come to me, I love you” and my destroyed ego out on the ledge saying, “jump, noone cares”. Where does one go from there? I am a broken addict but there is not one church in my area with an addiction program, I can’t go back to the bar, I can’t go to church, I met God that day.
He wants me to tell you something.
He loves you, unconditionally. Yes, the way you are, flaws, bruises, baggage, dirt, shame, tears. Even you with the chip on your shoulder saying, “psh, all this stuff about God, whatever Marla”. Yes, He made you that way, your skepticism can be used for the good. Which wolf do you feed?
I could not see Him as long as I maintained a relationship with my ego, impossible. It is the most striking contradiction. This world is set up like an obstacle course. Grab your courageous soul and walk with me a moment.
God is the highest position to attain. When we seek Him we can learn from Him. How? His word. Someone needs to add the clarifier to the pool we all swim in. Jesus would skewer most of the churches in existence today. Why do I say that? The actions and deeds do not meet the words, period.
The New Testement is a virtaul handbook, if you are following the AD Continues on NBC you see that after Jesus’s death was the most dynamic time in history. What baffles me is that the gospel remains unchanged if you read it, despite the warp job religion has done to it. The message is truly divine and I beleive to the point of risking my life and all I hold dear for it. My mantra is “be ready to say goodbye, this is not home” and I live it. We are all working out our salvation until our end and Meister Eckhart ways it is the Wayless Way. But I happen to hoild myself very accountable, is it the addict? Maybe, but I have deep convition about not wallowing in things that Jesus died for. It is not a bad idea, we stay in our sin puddles making excuses, get back on track, on your journey it is never too late.
What ever it is the journey is yours, which lead us to the Dead and Jerry. Rest in peace my friend, I think of you with a sad sense of loss. What did the path God have for you look like? We will never know.
There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone. ~ The Grateful Dead-lyrics to Ripple
Blessings my friends,