Every day I pray for clarity and once again like a letter in the mailbox I woke with the words to speak.
I know I have shared many time my views on how the twists and turns in life change us, how our decisions impact us and where the road takes us.
Once again I face different set of rules for my life than others so I don’t expect everyone to embrace my view yet I hope I can help to understand where I am coming from.
I said before that I truly belive that who we are at a pre-teen age is alot of who we will be, we are defined but not yet making our own choices.
And I believe it more now than I ever did.
Some people that knew me before I took on the world, know that there was a soft hearted girl, filled with compassion, wonder and love, curious, a little rebellious, a dancer, a poet, an animal lover, nature lover, book reader with an open mind and heart.
I found that as I grew older and had certain experiences, these events closed doors and windows. New things came in that were not all necessarily good for me.
Those things ended up changing me and creating years of living untrue to my gifts and got me off of my true path.
Yet I was happy those years, there were good things in my life too, I had a wonderful family, I made so many friends, I had my beautiful children, I loved, I laughed, I learned about myself.
I made choices that brought pain to me though and continued self destructive behaviors. I drank too much, chased an ego while suffering from a beaten up self esteem, feeding the vicious cycle. All the while, all of this aiding and abetting the disease in my body.
I still suffer the physical parts of this disease and it does play games with my brain but I have cast off these heavy things I carried, my load is lighter and God brought me to today.
He brought me to a constant stream of moments that snap my head around and get my attention.
As in yesterday afternoon, I set out for a visit, I rarely drive alone but had to see and touch someone I love. I was alone, sun shining, in my Allis Chalmers orange, 1978 Ford Truck, the power under the hood was purring and the wind was in my hair.
I cannot tell you how sweet that feels after putting the past 2 years behind me. It fuels me forward on my quest for living happy and authentic life that is centered around God. My head and mind are clearer than ever about who I am and why I am here.moncler outlet
And a few hours ago, while walking down the farm road to the barn, I heard the birds morning songs, saw our gardens teeming with things to eat and watched the sun come over the hill.
My heart waits in silence for God to speak to me and he always does and the answers fill my mind as I work.
A push on the barn door reveals the musky smell of my horse and it is warm inside from her body heat. Miss Tillie the turkey is trilling away, talking to her baby peeps, the ducks are quacking, chickens calling for breakfast and guinea hens shrieking over everyone. All the while the Cat is twirling in my ankles, meowing.
I say my good mornings and feed everyone and begin to tidy up, as I do I sing.
When I stopped I realized the barn was quiet. That was all that I needed, thank you God.
He sets my head right.
The best part of it is I get to teach it to others who need help in this world.
I did change and my role will continue to change in this world for the next 44 years. I didn’t forget my past, there are lessons there that I needed for the next chapter.
I had to let go of some things and sadly some people but they were tied to pain that has no place in today or any tomorrows. I trust my journey and know that if I desire those relations to heal, God will find the way, all I have to do is stay true to him.
If my changes scare you, then talk to me, get to know me again and bring an open mind. If you disagree with me that is okay, we can believe different things and still love each other. I have no bias or judgements.
I refuse to stop learning, I believe in this life we shift from being taught to teaching but I believe this is a revolving door.
If we close our mind off to only being the teacher as an adult we miss alot of things.
My teachers have been many, too many to count.
I learned so much, it humbled me.
I, Me, the little space that filled up around me. I was focusing so much on my own ego and movements in life that I missed the forest for the trees, that is no more.
I try every day to let things unroll, use the behaviors, follow along, take notes and wait for things to come to me.
Some days are bumpier than others so practicing forgiveness is a key factor, let yourself make mistakes but be your own best friend. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, say a rah-rah cheer and go.
Complaining and kvetching about the details is a bad habit. Let’s look at who we can lift up and what is good.
When you realize everyone is falling down right beside you at different times and places it sure is easier to travel happily.
Off to the garden, my beets belong in jars and my carrots in my freezer, it is canning day.